December 3 prompt: Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).
Well, the obvious one would be the moments while I waited for Lily to be born. But that seems too obvious. And it came upon me in the shower, of all places.
Back in early May, I met my friend Michele at the zoo. It was one of those days that was cool, but within an hour, I was stripping off my sweater, and glad I had a tank top on, and loving the feel of the sun on my shoulders. The air was warm, the breeze was frequent, and the sky was cloudless. We explored for bit before sitting down to have a snack. Charlie ate his next to me, while I nursed Lily. I remember someone stopping to commiserate with me about the difficulty in nursing one child while the older toddler ran around.
And it was the next 15 minutes of my life that were like one big ball of vivid emotions. I remember every sensation, and yet, it is all a blur. Is that possible?
I had just set Lily down in her carseat, and I looked up to call Charlie back over to the stroller. And in that moment, I realized he was gone. In the movies, there is the camera above the distraught mother as she twirls looking for her child. I turned in almost circles over and over searching for him with my eyes, but never actually calling for him, because I believed if I did, I would be admitting he was lost.
As I left Lily with Michele, I took off, not running, but walking. I remember the smell of the petting zoo, as I looked for Charlie there. I remember exactly were the alligators were in their exhibit, only one up on the land. I remember how cold the reptile house was, and the chillbumps on my arms. I remember biting the inside of my mouth when a zoo employee cut me off when I started to explain I had lost my son, all because she was feeding an animal.
But in the moment I saw him, it was as if the world stopped moving. A nauseous feeling invaded my body, my heart felt so heavy and big, I could feel it pounding against my chest, the bright orange Chucks on his feet nearly blinded me, and his voice saying "Momma, I want to ride the train" made my eyes erupt with tears. Never had his little body felt so good in my arms.
And in that moment, I was my most alive, because I was whole again.
3 comments:
Takes me back... my 5yr old daughter disappeared in a restaurant at Disney World many years ago. Turns out she had simply gone to the washroom but it was the longest 3 minutes of my life. You try not to panic, try to be rational but in that instant I felt like I was imploding...
*tears* I can only imagine the heartswell you had with that hug!
uuuuggggg, I remember it all too well!!!!! So glad we found him, because I would not have been able to live with myself!!!!
You were very brave by the way, very calm!!!! I was so proud of you!
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